Klaus’ Kolumn: Cladistics and Don Stenson on intelligence
Does the things that happened to us in the past make us who we are today? – Don Stenson (rundonrun @ hotmail.com)
Dear Mr. Stenson
I have attempted to ascertain a bit about the History of your family and as a practicing Anthropologist I feel that a correlation
does exist between the events of your past and the person you are today.
Please keep in mind that due to time constraints and the many ongoing projects I have, I was not able to give the project my full attention. Additionally, copious amounts of Heineken beer may have skewered the data somewhat. For this and other reasons I will not actually proceed to publish this research but simply offer it to you as an attempt to provide you the professional help you so richly deserve.
Cognitive Evaluation Tests
Hello and thank you for allowing us this opportunity to change your life forever. We are proud to announce a new procedure designed to test your intelligence. These tests were written and conceived by the immeasurably intelligent Don Stenson. We refer to Mr. Stenson as immeasurably intelligent simply because there is no accurate way of measuring how vastly intelligent he really is. In our own defense there have been some naysayers that claim Mr. Stenson is a retard and at best merely has the cognition of your average 5 year old. We take that as a compliment because as you know, children are immeasurably intelligent. Besides, by continuously acting like a crying pathetic little 2 year old, he is actually lulling you into a false sense of security in order to hide his vast intelligence from the world. This is completely necessary to his survival. As you become to know him you will understand why this is so.
Let us start with the history of the great Donald Stenson, who was named after his great grand pappy Donald Duck Stenson. He was a great man, and an even better medical doctor, and technically he had an almost zero percent mortality rate among his patients. Of his patients that did die shortly after treatment it was almost always by suicide and nothing to do with the immeasurably intelligent D.D.S., many of his patients went on to lead normal lives, although unfortunately they needed to be kept within the confines of mental institutions for the remainder of their lives. This caused great debate within the community and the great D.D.S. fought a blazing battle against those that dare suggest he drove his patients (and subsequently his friends) insane.
He ferociously defended his point of view up to the very moment of his death, when one evening trying to convince an adversary that the there is no other way than the Stenson way, his head first became a fiery red and then eventually exploded.
This shows the vastly immeasurable intelligence within the great skull that eventually could not contain all of that immeasurable knowledge.
The memory of the great Doctor Donald Stenson was soured shortly after his death, after a person noticed a resemblance between the Cartoon figure Donald duck and the great Donald Duck Stenson. We believe it is merely coincidence that at that time the term “quack” first appeared. For this reason and the obvious jealousy of the public, the Medical board finally demoted him post humously and awarded the great DDS his honorary Dentist license instead, and the name DDS has stuck.
Whenever you think of a guy with some surgical tools tearing things out of your head that “he believes” shouldn’t be there, you can thank the great Donald duck Stenson and his progeny the great run don run Stenson.
The great Run Don Run Stenson has devised a far less intrusive yet far more irritating method of making you act and behave more like him. Some say he has done this, so he does not have to live in isolation as a blathering retard. Again the naysayers will have their say, but alas RDR Stenson is a power to be reckoned with.
*We include these small requests, additions and grading procedures found below, (at the behest of our insurance company) and we would hope that you would adhere to them while taking the patented RDR Stenson cognition tests.
*
1) Answer the questions truthfully- (in all fairness the questions are designed so that you probably will not know the answer anyway). Proving once again the vast superiority of the Stenson.
Because the ability to withstand the onslaught of the complexity versus inflexibility battle that the great Stenson mind must face on a daily basis, the following grading procedures and many other things about RDR Stenson may seem strange to you. Please bear with us, grin, smile and pretend to enjoy yourself while facing the sort of humiliation that would normally require the insertion of objects into your anal cavity. Remember we are in the presence of a great man.
Grading procedure:
1) If you get 2 of the 3 questions correct you are more than intelligent enough to survive comfortably on the Earth. In all probability you may become the next Hitler or Stalin.
2) If you get all of the questions correct, your brain may work in a similar manner than that of the great RDR Stenson. In this case we suggest you immediately rush to the nearest medical facility because the average person will surely go insane if burdened with the great wisdom of the Don.
3) Last but not least and most importantly: If you were dumb enough to have ever answered even one question of the patented RDR Stenson cognition tests, you are either an idiot, or you are trying to convince the great Don that he is an idiot. In this case please seek psychiatric help immediately. We apologize for the inconvenience as the tests (and the great RDR Stenson) are in their early stages of development, and we all are invariably at the mercy of the great RDR Stenson.
-Klaus Kent
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August 28th, 2008 at 5:13 pm
WTF?
Klaus… ur nuts!!
I’ll take it as a compliment.